Crossroads

I always seem to put myself in strange little predicaments.  I guess we all do from time to time.  The actions we did a week ago or the day before result in that sick pit of the stomach feeling wondering why we did what we did.  I seem to be making the same sort of strange mistake over and over again.  It usually involves the opposite sex.  I’ve always been a little broken when it comes to that type.  One day I think I can commit and the four hours later I think…i’m not ready for this.  Or I worry that if  I don’t take a chance I will regret it.  I wonder why that is.  This relationship stuff seemed to be so much more simpler when I was younger.  I would have a crush. I would act on it. It worked out for a little while or it didn’t and then I moved on.  Of course my ex-husband of over 20 years happened when I was 19.  He seemed like the perfect thing for me.  I knew he wasn’t the right person almost immediately after we were married. I was always wondering “what if”  and that wasn’t a good sign. But I stuck it out and raised a child and really didn’t do half bad in that role until I couldn’t do it again.

I find 30 years later that my what if is “what if I end up in that same situation again.”

My question is why can’t relationships be more of an in the moment thing just in case at one moment  I can’t handle something but four hours later I can?   It’s a very selfish thought I know.  I had this conversation with a special someone. I am pretty sure he didn’t get it.  I am pretty sure I’m an asshole.

So I have decided that it is time to just focus on training and writing and getting things done that I want to get done. For the next 6 months that is all I am going to do.  No more answering the phone when I want to listen to music.  No more going out if I want to sit at home and enjoy a movie or a read a book.  NO more feeling obligated to take care of someone else’s feelings instead of concentrating on my own.  No more sitting on the phone when I have something else I want to do.

This blog will be the thing that holds me accountable.

We are talking workouts. Then ab workouts on the side. Blasting music in the morning. Talking to my sister instead of someone  I don’t want to.  Sleeping in when I want to. Going to bed when I want to. Eating what I want to do.  Going to the gym instead of morning coffee.  Try something new everyday. Making my work a priority. Going out with friends over making sure someone isn’t jealous. I don’t mean just with significant others. I mean with everyone.

I really have to figure this out.  So…. the best way for me to do this is to have a reason to do it.  The reason will be this writing spot.  Talking about this commitment. I promise to make it funny.  Hopefully other people will relate.  Lets see where it takes me as a human.

 

 

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Insomnia

I have always been sleep challenged. I was sitting in a waiting room the other day waiting for my mom to have cataract surgery.  The room was filled with several other people in the room doing the same thing.  Most people were reading, some were eating, some were playing games on their phone and some were just there observing.  The wait can be a couple of hours.  There was one particular person curled up on a chair using their coat as a pillow. She seemed to be sleeping.  Those of us who are insomniacs know would assume that the person wasn’t really sleeping. She was trying to sleep. There was a door that occasionally opened where a nurse would walk out and call the next patient in or would call the person’s name that was waiting for another patient to let them know they could come back and see the person they were waiting for. After sitting in room for about an hour the door opened and the nurse said “Becky for Charmaine.”  After a long silence of nobody claiming to Becky the nurse left.  The door opened again and she said “Becky for Charmaine.” Still no answer.  She then walked over to the sleeping woman  and said it very near the woman’s head.  She still didn’t wake up. I of course thought the woman maybe dead.  The nurse than touched the woman’s shoulders and said it again. Becky finally woke up.  OH MY GOD…. I WANT TO SLEEP LIKE THAT.  I really don’t think that I have ever slept that hard.  Not even in my own bed.

I have evolved as an insomniac. I used to not be able to fall asleep. That never happens to me anymore. I think I have become less of a worrier.  I crash when I hit the pillow. Now I just wake up randomly in the middle of the night fully awake ready to take on the day,   ready to go for a run or something.  Then I try talking myself back to sleep at 3:45. First I contemplate just waking up but then I try going back to sleep. That is when my mind runs amuck.  Things that I never worry about during the day now freak me out.  Obviously I’m tired and can’t think straight.  It can be stupid things like…what is that noise. It’s raining outside. I wonder if I need a new roof. I wonder if its leaking right now. I wonder if mold is growing.  Very irrational thoughts.  I used to worry about real things like my job or what I said to someone to upset them or that I may have upset them or my daughter and how she may be falling behind in school.  I think working at the same job for 18 years and my daughter moved out and on her own at 25 has alleviated those worries.  Now my mind just likes to make things up like a leaky roof or mold.  I know this to be the case because when it rains during the day I love sitting in my little cottage with a good book listening to the rain hit the windows without any worry about what is happening above.

Like I said,  I want to solve this insomnia thing.  I have read all of the books and articles on how to cure insomnia.   I am in great shape. I work out regularly.  I keep my caffeine consumption to a minimum and stop drinking it after 10 am.  I got to bed and wake up at consistent times.  I avoid alcohol after 7 PM.  I’ve tried turning off all devices and TV’s.  AS a matter of fact..I’m not really a tv watcher or device looker and I have found if I can’t sleep and get up and turn on the tv it helps me sleep.

This is why I would prefer to do my own study.  I would love to study the traits and the personalities of sleepers and non sleepers.   There has to be some common ground. I have always thought sleepers tend to be laid back and they don’t let the world bother them but this theory has been proven wrong way too many times by sleeping friends.

As of late I think that retirement will be good for me.  I will just get out of bed when I can’t sleep and go for that run or work on something for a few hours and then go take a nap in the middle of the day if I get tired later.  I can’t do that now and there are days where if I don’t sleep at night I am exhausted and can’t think straight.  Luckily I’m not a doctor or pilot or something. I’m just a person playing with peoples money all day.  But  fortunately for my clients you can’t play with someone’s money with someone verifying what you just did before you actually do it.  At least I know I know I’m in the right career.  That should help me sleep at night.

I am going to conduct a survey of those who sleep and those who don’t sleep at my job. Then I am going to look at their personality profiles and see if there is a common thread. Once I figure that out I will take my conclusions and figure out a cure.  For everyone.

 

 

Unnecessary Dating

I went out on a date the other night. I’ve known this guy for a long time.  We just happen to both be divorced. Both divorced in a small town.   Sometimes I think this sort of circumstance requires you to at least try to see if you are compatible. It’s  like some sort of obligation to the universe. Or at least that’s what people tell me.   You know…when the universe draws you to another person who is single that lives in the same small town as you do and you both really weren’t trying to meet the  person and circumstances bring you together …you at least have to try a date.  Right?

I’m here to tell you that NOPE you really don’t need to do that.  If you seem to have an inkling that the person really isn’t your type then you should probably just go with that initial feeling.  Your probably reading too hard into the universe’s signals. Sometimes you just shop at the same grocery store and that’s the extent of it.

It wasn’t like this was a bad date.  We didn’t have awkward silent moments. He was a true gentleman. We tried a new place just for the fun of it.  So as far as first dates are concerned…. I’ve had much worse.

I just wasn’t attracted to the guy. I don’t think he was attracted to me either. But he kept trying to make some compatibility connection. Quite frankly I think if you have to try that hard to make a connection its probably not the person you should be with.

I’m the kind of girl who just wants to go with a strong gut  feeling and see where it takes me. I definitely have to have that initial attracted feeling but I also know that this particular feeling can take you in the wrong direction as well. The kind of direction that makes you think months later …”what the hell was I thinking?”

By the end of the evening it was pretty apparent that this wasn’t going to go anywhere. We had talked about what we had in common at nauseam the last two hours of the date.  How can anyone talk about a relationship that deeply and for that long when the relationship only has been existence for a few hours?  What happened to just having a couple drinks and dinner and laugh over silly conversation?  Why as I am in my late 40’s do I suddenly long for the type of relationship we all had when we were in high school?

No more unnecessary dating to satisfy the universe.  Never again.

 

 

Decisions

I am one of those people that will make a decision based on weird things. This evening I was driving home from a dinner. I had thought if I made it home early enough I would mow my lawn. I had three criteria to decide if I was actually going to now.  My first thought was if sundown isn’t until 9 I will mow.  It was not going to get dark until 9:03. DAMNIT.  Then the next decision was if it isn’t going to rain I will mow. It wasn’t supposed to rain until 11:00 and the chance was only 30%.  DAMNIT….Then the  final decision was if my neighbors are not sitting outside entertaining when I get home I will mow the back yard and wait to do the rest of tomorrow.  I couldn’t see my neighbors but I could hear them and there was a car in the driveway indicating company…..so the decision was final  I was not mowing the lawn.  Seriously, lets face it, I had no intentions of mowing my lawn tonight.  I had such a relaxing evening laughing, eating and having a gin and tonic. Why on earth would I ruin it by ending my day mowing my lawn.

You see my lawn has this really really big hill that takes quite a lot out of me.  I mow it with a push mower so it isn’t hard to come up with a reason not to mow it.

I make many of my decisions in life like this.  I have quite a bit of a big job….something like 160 people report up to me and 4 different divisions so really its kind of insane on a day to day basis.   I think people  would be amazed at my decision making processes.  To them I’m sure it looks like there is a method to my madness but it really is as random as “if bob emails before jane I will take care of this phone call first.”   Anyone who works in the crazy corporate world knows that all there is on a day to day basis is chaos.  Everything is a priority.  So…. sometimes when this sort of a day confronts me I will just throw something out into the air to make a decision. It keeps me sane. It makes me laugh at the chaos instead of hating it. I won’t even go into what I told myself what would happen if I saw a lavender underwear set at a store today for a major  a personal decision.

I think everyone should try this type of a lifestyle for a week.  It tends to take away stress and worry.  It stops you from worrying incessantly about something.  I’m not talking about crazy important things.  I am actually an overly logical person so logic can make most of my decisions but those things when logic really plays no role I like to just throw out a parameter.  It adds a little logic to the situation.

For anyone wondering…… yes I saw a little lavender set of underwear at a little shop I was at.  I was at this little shop looking for a kayak.  Not exactly the place I was planning on finding a lavender underwear set but there it was …..right there on a cute little display rack….out of nowhere…. a lavender underwear set.

 

What animal has been hanging out on my deck?

I have moved into a little lake cottage surrounded by a lot of nature. I love every moment of living here.  Ok.. not every moment. Remodeling was sort of a pain and I really don’t find mowing the huge hill in my backyard all that much fun but  I do hope the summer mowing obligation results in never dealing with a big rear end. It’s way harder than any workout I have ever done.

Yesterday I finished mowing my lawn, grabbed a book and laid down on my lawn chair. I was getting settled in my chair when out of the corner of my eye I saw this little turd sitting on the deck by the window.  It was one of those turds that was to small for a bird but not big enough for a dog or cat and it really had me perplexed. I knew it was too big for chipmunk and rabbits. The weird thing was that it was just a lonely turd. There was nothing else around it.  I had some friends over and everyone sort of felt the same way as I did.  We couldn’t quite pin point what type of turd it was.

So of course like any normal human being I googled poop.  I googled all types of animals that live around me and researched what their poop looked like. I know more about poop now then any human being should know about poop.  If this ever happens to you I warn you to STAY OFF GOOGLE!  Google scared the hell out of me.  There are hundreds of websites and chats out there talking about critter poop in people’s yards.  I now imagine all types of critters hanging out on my deck. Critters that I could have gone the rest of my life not knowing existed.  Critters that I now think are  lurking at me through my bedroom window while I am sleeping at night. (my windows are floor to ceiling) I imagine possum or skunks smoking cigarettes leaning against the window just looking in at me like some sort of creepy man from one of those lifetime movies where a guy breaks out of prison and begins stalking some innocent victim because they saw her in the newspaper. You know the movies I’m talking about. First he becomes the pool boy. The she finds her underwear in the glove compartment of his truck when he gives her a ride to the store because her Porsche broke down for some mysterious reason.  The movies we all stopped watching years ago on lifetime because you always knew it would be bad acting with a predictable ending.  I am here to tell you that those stupid movies  come back to haunt you like a bad a acid trip when you are all alone trying to sleep at night. The raccoon in my backyard is the pool boy.  He might not have my underwear but he is pooping on my deck.

Don’t get me wrong…. I love watching the critters run around my yard. I’ve even  named them.   I know what chipmunk is sleeping with what chipmunk behind another chipmunk’s back.  I have my own little soap opera going on with the robins flying in and around my trees and I am here to tell you that  there is a reason why they say rabbits do it all of the time. Its because they do.    But for some reason this little piece of poop is kind of freaking me out.  It was right next to my window for crying out loud.  I just kind of want all the critters to go to bed at night when I do. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

 

 

finding the humor in things

I’m starting a blog for no other reason but to share the humor of every day things.  I am hoping  that others will share their  humorous stories with me.  This is one of my favorite past times.  Sometimes if I just take the time to take a very aggravating moment in my day and turn it into something humorous it helps me to just let go of all  of the stupid aggravations of the day. It could be something as silly as a bad shaving accident, or burning my tongue on my first cup of coffee, or any other random moment throughout the day that completely sent me on tilt.

My hope is that every day someone will post their funny moments too so I can have a laugh.

Hopefully we can all figure out how to find a little humor from our day, share it, and laugh for a few minutes to decompress.