So… I didn’t answer the phone calls tonight. I did return text messages and looked at emails. So …..obviously today wasn’t my three hours away from people reaching out to me.
My return text messages were basically stating I wouldn’t be available. This was to the guy i’m seeing because I really just need a break from obligations sometimes.
My favorite sister called and this is normally a call I would have taken but I didn’t. She actually called twice so a few hours later I did text a “whats up” text.
Tomorrow I am going out0 with some friends at 3 PM. Then I plan on coming home and completely checking out.
I have decided that part of feeling of not wanting to talk to anyone when I get home has a lot to do with what I do for a living. I spend most of my days responding to emails, phone calls, dealing with clients and people walking into my office. When I get home I just want to shut it all down. Silence is what I need. It’s a shame that your day job can interfere with how you interact with the people that you care the most about. I think this is why they always say “nobody on their death bed wishes they would have spent more time at work.”
But lets be real… work is a very big part of most peoples lives. Somehow we have to figure out how to balance that out. But some days I am just exhausted. I would be lying if I told you that when I listen to an employee who has called in sick for the 14th time this year complain to me about how overwhelmed she is doesn’t impact me negatively and make want to shut down when I get home. Quite frankly I just want to punch this employee in the face. I’m not talking about calling in sick because she has some sort of chronic health issue. Sometimes its simply ‘something has come up and I can’t make it in” I want to scream…” dude something comes up in everyone’s life and we still work.” The next week is a migraine. The following week is a cold. I will tell this employee that her absences are excessive. She will tell me that she needs to take care of herself first and foremost. I always want to say…. “the rest of us would like to take care of ourselves too but some people like to call in sick and add undue burden on us.”
But …..I’m just a mean person so ignore this rant. Actually I know that the secret is to figure out how to not let that stupid stuff get to me so it wears me down.
Any hoo…. at the end of a day of dealing with employees, clients, and the general public I become a bit of a turtle that wants to hide in my shell. I still manage to pick up the phone for the people I love most of the time. It makes me angry that the people I get most frustrated with are the people I care the most about. My patience has just been worn thin by the time I get to talk to them. I think that statement is pathetic because on my death bed those are the people that will be with me.
This is my day. I Get up. Go to work. Work out or go to work function. Come home. All of this consumes a big part of my day but the thing that drives me mad is people who use your spare time (or quite frankly your not spare time) to tell you about their weekend, or the relationship problems or the house they are going to buy. You name it I hear it. I’m a listener. I love being that for people but sometimes I just want to scream when its 8:25 at night and your day and evening up until this point were consumed with other people and their stories or their problems when all you really wanted to do was sit down and blog or read a book or stare at the tv watching American ninja warrior because if you fall asleep it won’t matter because you don’t care what happened. Time is that last precious resource we have. I just want some of mine back.
If I didn’t have a such a huge family or aging parents or a daughter who is in bridezilla mode I think I would shut my phone and email off for 3 hours every night at least twice a week. Its weird….. because I used to be someone who couldn’t turn work off and now I can turn that off easily but I can’t turn the rest of the world off. How the hell did that happen?
I’m writing this and thinking…… that is exactly what i’m going to do for the next 45 days. I’m going to shut the world off for 3 hours a day at least three times a week. I’ll blog about it. Maybe stress will be released and I’ll end up looking younger. I’ll be able to work out more and I’ll have great muscle tone. I’ll read funny books and have deep laugh lines. I’ll sleep better so I ‘ll look well rested. Its going to be great! Maybe three days a week will turn into everyday. Maybe i’ll go on weekend binges of silence. I love silence. I love it. It’s why I live alone. i’m a noise snob. I admit it. So I think its time for this experiment.
I’m ready. i’ll let you know how it goes.
I just spent the weekend (not physically with) but with via phone talking about the future with human two. Actually it’s been the last couple weekends a day during the week. Beginning right now human two and I will avoid contact until August 30th. No chatting on the phone in the morning or weekends etc. We will have coffee, we will work out and we will have our regular beers if he is around. He is gone for a few weeks. I’m gone for about a week and a half. That will get us through July. Then we have 30 days. I think that is a good way to figure things out.
Human one is going through a tough time. I feel bad for him. Life shouldn’t be this hard.
Work is moving forward. Future meetings set up. Luckily that part of my life is super busy and going very well. It will keep focused.
I am laser focused on my health right now. Planning things to do for the summer. Lots of books to read. A bike to ride. Concerts to go to. I have sisters who need me and that really helps.
My sister is thinking of moving to Florida for a few months and taking my mothe down with her. I find that interesting. I think this is coming true.
I need to make my list of things to do for my vacation so the time flies by. I cannot waste these 11 weeks.
Only strange update I have today is that I received a message from the higher ups that I need to head down to the corporate offices to meet with my bosses for a team leader mid year review. hmmmmmmm. I’m not the team lead. I guess I might be but not officially. Thee meeting isn’t until July 16th. My first day back from vacation. I guess I will wait and see. I don’t think all men are like this but a good many of them have a very hard time communicating. its like constantly guessing. If they only know if they just communicated their lives would be so much easier. My boss at the corporate offices is afraid of communicating. We definitely have an uncomfortableness around each other. I have to fix that.
I just had 7 days on with my human one. He is a kind man. I feel like I’m pulling away. I can’t help myself. I hate that I’m doing this. He takes such good care of me. My mother just met him. I hate a work party and we all went out afterwards for a drink. Human one, human two a couple of clients and a few of my family members. I was not super warm to human one. I felt bad. The next night I spent with him. It was nice. We ordered a pizza and we stayed in. Slept in. Worked out the next morning. With human two because we all work out at the same place. These interactions are strange. I think human two was threatened by this.
I spent Saturday with human two. I almost feel sorry for him. He seems so lonely. We had the time of our life. Doing stupid things and talking and people watching. I don’t know why it is so easy with him. The evening ended with me explaining how I want him to just live his life. Leave me alone. I will figure things out. I had a few cocktails in me that gave me the courage to say things. He understood. He is not a romantic guy. Not like human one. I think he feels bad that he makes me feel so sad. I really do. He kept saying he was in deep and wanted to know if I knew that meant. I told him I really didn’t care. The conversation was pointless. Nothing will ever come of this. It was right out of soap opera. But in the end if he wanted to be with me he would be with me. He’s not. And that’s what I told him. I need to figure out how to work with him and remain friends. I told him I would figure that out this summer. And if I didn’t by September I would move on to something else. I slept for the first time in a very very long time. I must have needed to get that off my chest. I told him everything that I was feeling. I did not tell him about human one.
He called first thing this morning and asked me to drive with him to Lomira. He does not give up. He didn’t bring up last night’s conversation. Nor did I. Its just in between us now. He knows I love him but I’m not moving forward with this I’m moving on.
Today was way too many thoughts about that. Tomorrow I will focus on my work and working out and pursing a writing course. Human one is with his kids for 7 days. This will give me the time to come up with an action plan on making sure he knows where i’m at in this relationship. In two weeks I will begin 5 weeks completely away from Human two. It is exactly what I need right now.
mom hasn’t made any decisions in her life. Daughter still seems to be moving forward as a banker. Wedding plans are still in bloom. Work is crazy busy. I need to focus on that.
I will get a good night sleep again tonight. Maybe I’ll take up Buddhism and learn how to really meditate to stop the stupid chatter in my brain. I need something new in my life.
I wonder if when you have a reading done if you end up developing you own self prophecy according to the reading. I do feel that this might be the case for me a little bit. Human One is beginning to annoy me. Not that he isn’t a wonderful human. He is sweet and kind and a wonderful lover but something just doesn’t feel right. Why do woman have such a hard time falling for the really nice guys? Why? It must be the challenge of feeling like you won the one who didn’t want to be caught. I don’t know. I’m still trying. I’m scared i’m going to hurt him. I’m being very honest with him but i’m still scared i’ll do that again. I think I’m pulling back on purpose because I heard that in the reading. I’ll try harder.
Human two… doesn’t really want to listen to my rants about just accepting his situation and living his life. Appreciate everything he has and try to imagine a life without it and can he even imagine it? I don’t want him to get hurt or be sad. He has too much going for him with his family so I hope that this premonition is false. I will think good thoughts.
Work is unusually tough but challenging. I could literally throw myself at it 24/7 and still never be done. I just need to stay up beat. I literally did a self hypnosis session this morning to keep my head on straight. Hopefully it does the trick.
I’m still looking for that something that she said would make me happy besides love. I’ll find it. It might be writing.
My mom is in the same place. Nothing has changed. I have yet to hear any rumblings about my family being sick so that is good.
My daughter continues to plan her wedding. I do see her looking at different wedding venues in old buildings. That might be what she was referring to.
I do have to deal with an icky old client today that could cause me some trouble today. We will see if that feels like the short lived rumblings she thought I was going to encounter. I bet it is.
Two months/ 10 month mark are fast approaching. I will keep it posted.
ok… met with my Chicago boss today. In the background of the conversation was the capital that had a bunch of pillars in the background. My medium told me that was a sign of someone from my past causing trouble. I think that was what this was. The same stuff coming up. So that wasn’t anything too exciting. The discussions of a new opportunity have popped up but I guess we will see where that goes. In the meantime I’m still just enjoying my work.
Human #2 and I had a drink a tonight. I reiterated to him that I am would like him to just accept his life the way it is, enjoy it and I we will remain super great friends because that is hard to give up. What everyone should know is that I do plan to slowly back out of the friendship as well. I need to do that in order to make sure my feelings don’t run amuck. I know this is what has to happen. Luckily he respects that. Meanwhile during that discussion his other half was texting him. I’m sure he needed to get going. It’s actually a trait I have always admired about him from the very first time I have met him. He is a family man first and foremost.
Human #1 is having a hard time with his ex and kids. That is drama I don’t ever feel like being part of . He knows i’m not good with those sort of obligations. My life is well past that stuff. I don’t care to be in it again. He keeps me out of it. I don’t see him when he is with his kids and I do so enjoy this time away. I think there is something wrong with me.
The best part of my day was working with a group of people at one of our urban offices. I had the time of my life and wish I could do that every day. This keeps my woes away and I feel higher than high when i’m doing what I love and enjoy my life to the fullest. No stupid relationships no drama just me and the world.
Second best part was sitting down and writing this blog. I looked forward to it all day.
I just planned an evening of fun with my sister at a concert later this month. I can’t wait.
The candle in my cute little house is lit. the windows are open. The animals are all talking and the day is almost ending with a pink sky as the sun goes down. The lake is quiet. I love this time of the day. i’m looking forward to sitting down and enjoying a book that my friend just told me to read.
More to come.
A couple of weeks ago I had an intuitive reading done. It seems to me that I am in for an interesting year or at least an interesting 6 months. The next few months especially.
So many times we do these sort of things and then slowly forget about them. I have decided that I am going to write everything down and use this blog to validate how things worked out.
So… here it goes. I will try to update this weekly almost like a diary and see where I land.
I will list everything she said and may makes comments to clarify what I think she was talking about:
- She stated I was a powerhouse / tend to command the attention as I walk into the room and am influential – sometimes the jobs we have may seem like we are powerhouses but deep down I don’t feel that way.
- I will be called to do my own thing that will make a big difference.
- She saw me speaking in a crowd more as a teaching thing.
- I am deeply rooted in the physical world.
- She saw a fork in the road where I will make a decision in a relationship. I have a lovely human in my life but there is a second human that would like me to join him. I am seeing the first human but the second human she is talking about is tied down and I do not see that changing anytime soon nor do I want to mess up his life or anyone elses. I work with both humans. 1st human I have been seeing for 7 months. the other I have known forever and will say he is a best friend.
- She did something opening up that would make it easy for me to make a decision on what to do about my relationship. Possibly something about travel.
- Human one will be decided in the next couple months but at the 10 month mark I will have taken care of it. human one is a wonderful man that I have really enjoyed being with and at times feel like it could be more. I do not want to live with anyone or marry again and that is a bit of a deal breaker for him. He does hope I will change my mind. I don’t feel confident that this will happen and would rather end this sooner than later instead of breaking hearts. My feelings are strong for him and he did break me out of a very hard shell. I will be forever grateful for that but I know that sharing his life with someone is very important to him. I am enjoying this time with him.
- I will be traveling soon. some places will be bright places.
- I use my intuition in my business and everything I do. It is important that continue that.
- She felt I would branch off into something new.
- She felt that I would also step up in my current position. I think my job is expanding a bit but i’m not sure but I have felt that coming.
- The opportunity isn’t one that comes around too often and it seemed like an opportunity that typically is given to a man. I’m not much of a man versus woman person. but I could see that in the industry that I am. it is heavily dominated by males. woman are usually successful in this industry when they are in it.
- She kept seeing a grand opening. I have a grand opening party in October.
- I am not to worry about putting all of my efforts into one thing. She felt that this wasn’t an issue I was actually thinking about giving up some things at work so I could concentrate on one thing that I enjoy but worry about giving up the other responsibilities for fear of job opportunities.
- Human One is about to ask me to do something that I most likely won’t be comfortable with. I should be ready for the question. It will come out of left field and I won’t expect it. I don’ read Human one very well.
- Human two finishes my sentences and we almost know exactly what the other is doing. I should watch for universal signs.
- My mom will live with one of my sisters. Co-dependent relationship. so very true
- In the end Mom will move to a warmer place where she will be with her people but she will go there in the beginning to help other sister who will be ill. Just something that will slow her down and she will probably heal this alternatively. definitely something this particular sister would do
- Although people make me happy she felt that she wanted me to find something else to make me happy. I couldn’t agree with this statement more. I need something else in my life.
- She wants me in a good place because when I am in a good place it everyone around me is impacted by it. I can make a difference in the world.
- She continues to want to push me towards human two but felt that I need something besides him to make me restorative. I completely agree. I don’t want anyone to be responsible for my happiness. Just an enhancement.
- I will have a weird but good year.
- People will ask me for things so I should be guarded with my funds.
- I am selective as to what I bring into my world but can do anything that I put my mind to.
- My daughter is strong presence. dominant. She saw her and a funny guy (I assume her fiancé) in a warehouse doing artful things. It was in a big city. She was Very happy. The location would be good for her soul and we would be both happy when we saw one another.
- She did know when her wedding was.
- She saw a lot of yellow flowers but white roses.
- She did say that I was probably aware of everything she brought up and probably just needed to have it solidified.
- There will be a picture of a person in a red coat on a mountain. Possibly climbing. I would know this when I see it.
- When I take care of myself I stay on my path.
- My summer will be full of play on a boat on the lake in the sun relaxing with friends. This is what I should be doing.
- I will have one weird interaction outside of work with human one and human two. Probably after I figured things out.
- There will be a reason for me to make a decision. Someone does something wrong.
- Parallel human two will decide to take the step. His other person will do something hurtful or humiliating or something will happen that he won’t recover from it. I will be there to help him through this.
- She did feel that we were very compatible in a very strong way. This issue is not a lesson in patience for me. Human two just needs to learn something from her yet. It will be very painful for him but the timing is important. believe me when I say that human two has a good relationship. You wouldn’t want anything to break it up. He needs that relationship. it’s very very good for him. we have had this discussion many times. he knows it. he sometimes needs to hear it from me but he knows.
- Human one will have neck aches or headaches that he should have checked out. It’s a symptom of something else.
- She felt I would have an option to retire early but felt that work was restorative for me and that I would need something else to fill my purpose without it.
- I will be traveling.
- She saw me sitting at a desk. thin desk with a big window behind me with a beach and ocean. I was signing documents but it was like I was on vacation but working.
- I will have one interaction with someone from my past. Someone I have hurt. It will be in business. This will be a shortlived issue.
- Human two feels like a soul mate. Worth waiting form. He will come around but the transition won’t be easy for him. I should continue living my life as I am doing. HE will catch up. Something about the transition really drained her. Someone who is really certain about their life and then having that turn around has a hard time. this does not seem far off but he should just figure out his shit.
- She did feel that one day I will land with a love of a lifetime. i’m not sure that I believe in a love of a lifetime.
- Work will be exciting and good this year.
So this is the plan. I will continue living my life as I originally planned. I was planning on having the time of my life this summer. I will continue enjoying Human One and trying to work towards wanting the same thing he has. I will never settle for something I don’t want. I did that for many years but I definitely need to give this a chance and I am having fun. I look forward to my year ahead with my work and feel like opportunities are coming but would welcome something new. That sounds exciting. I will begin really taking care of myself. I do take care of myself but I think I am going to kick it into super high gear.
I’ll keep you posted.
I was having a good conversation with the man I am seeing. He is recently divorced. Initiated by his wife. (I am divorced /separated for 6 years to give you some context and perspective to the conversation) I am divorced and it was initiated by me. I needed out. His wife needed out.
He made the comment that one of his friends said “Why isn’t “OK” good enough in a marriage?”
I thought about this really hard. I asked the man I was seeing “picture your marriage staying together. It’s 5 years later. Your are a very active man. Your wife is a peaceful woman. Not a lot of energy. Nothing is wrong with either one of you. This is just who you are. But pretty big differences that came between you. 5 years from now would you be happy with just ok?”
I think ok works for a little while but sooner or later people want more. Some people don’t and I admire that but some people need more.
Does that make someone bad if they decide ok isn’t good enough anymore?
I am asking because I really wonder. I was in an ok marriage. I’ve been in ok relationships. I have been in ok friendships. I have been in ok jobs. I have done ok work outs. I have been to ok movies. I tend to want more out of my life sooner or later. I’m scared that my life is going to pass me by on a constant basis. My Friends always remain friends but I tend to find new ones. and not spend a lot of time with the old ones. My job always needs to be evolving to keep me interested. I hate watching movies or tv shows that don’t really grab me.
The question is… how come some people are ok with just ok and some people aren’t? Or are we all ok with ok until we aren’t? I get very depressed watching someone’s mundane life. I’m not going to lie. Sometimes I judge people that live like this. I shouldn’t. Sometimes I do the same thing over and over. I like structure but I can only handle it for so long.
I just wonder… how many people are like me. Here is the weird thing. I was married for over 21 years. I have worked at the same place for 20 years. I have worked out at the same gym for 5 years. I am a creature of habit but I still need some excitement.
When I make a move its a big one.
I love good deep conversations, meeting new people, visiting new places, trying different sex positions.
Am I someone who is ok with just ok. I don’t think so. Luckily when I asked that question to the man I was seeing his answer was “you are right…. I wouldn’t have been.”
I just wonder why some can do the same thing over and over again and some of us can’t.
A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to try acupuncture as a cure for my insomnia. My acupuncturist asked me a bunch of questions and determined that my insomnia was stress related.
Side note.. I do not have a stressful life. I have a really great simple life. I sometimes think I’m the luckiest girl alive. I have a demanding life. Lots going on all at once. But not stressful. I say that because demanding and stressful are two very different things. Stressful is if you are caring for a loved one who is sick or dying or don’t have enough money to feed your kids. I have none of that in my life.
Any hoo…. I would agree that my brain has a hard time shutting off because it is going a million different ways during the day. I crash the minute I hit the sack but wake up around 2 a.m. ready to take on the next task at hand. Not that there is really a task to be done at that time in the morning but if there was one I would get it done.
So I started acupuncture. It’s amaaaazzzzinnng. I walk into the office. He pokes me with some needles, turns the light down low, puts on some soothing spa sounds, a little aroma therapy then puts a heat lamp over me and lets me cook for about an hour. I call it my supervised nap time. It is one hour of pure bliss.
I had a headache yesterday and the minute I got on that table….boom it was gone.
I wonder why having needles stuck in you can be so relaxing?